A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

So, I decided to share some of my blogs on a website called grumper. I thought that it would be interesting to get the views on my opinions from another source, but anyhow. This site (like many others) offers the facility directly from my blog to using ADDTHIS and it posts a link (without the option to edit or add to it) directly to this grumper site. Some idiot who's (profile picture includes him stuck in a plastic chair called patch something...) was offended because I passed a remark and in return I was called a SPAMMER. A spammer... why in the hell did he call me a spammer... I did understand that the users of this site prefer not to have links, but calling me a spammer.. WHY.. when I tried sharing my opinion or as they call it, my 'Grumble', that is when I suddenly got blocked from the site without being offered the right of defending my argument and reply to the insolent posts that where being generated on my account.

Now I am here on MY OWN BLOG.. and this is my opinion. If you have to grumble, do it here, I VALUE YOUR OPINION NO MATTER WHAT. the site called grumper is moderated by biased fools who do not even bother to inform you or ask you what your intentions are. So I say.. stay away.. or look for the idiot stuck on the plastic chair and share your honest thoughts with him.

THIS IS MY OPINION

The Clinton's and the Gores are traveling aboard Air Force One. Bill Clinton looks out the window and says, "You know, I bet I could drop a $10,000 bill out the window and make one person very happy!" Al Gore comments, "Yes, but I could drop ten $1000 bills out the window, and make ten people very happy." Hillary Clinton says, "True, but I could drop one hundred $100 bills out the window, and make one hundred people very happy. Chelsea responds, "Big deal! I could drop all of you out the window, and make the whole country happy!"

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Bush is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen. Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Photo credit: Robb from morguefile.com

Source : www.onlyinmalta.com

Source www.onlyinmalta.com

This is a story that really happened to me.

Back in the good old days, I worked for a prominent money transfer company. It is good to know that I was very well trained and experienced in all fields, but never trained to handle ignorant people.

One fine day a chap in his 40s came to our counter, he wanted to transfer £10,000 to Midland bank in the UK. The front desk clerk referred her to me since it was out of her competence to transact in such amounts.

I called this person in and accomodated him in our board room.

Jack took a long look at his speedometer

before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone.

Fourth time in as many months.

How could a guy get caught so often?


When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour,

Jack pulled over, but only partially.

Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard.

Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

The cop was stepping out of his car,

the big pad in hand.

Photo credit: clarita from morguefile.com

Funny Ecards from here

It is unbeleivable. As always everyone tries to dip their finger in the $710m pie. And the latest, all the way from the East, a small time writer from China who claims that the idea for avatar was his and that is not all, they are also claiming that Cameron copied the 1957 sci-fi 'Call me Joe'. Then there is the flop animated movie 'Delgo' and I beleive that within the next week we shall have another few claims. To be honest, I was consdering sueing Cameron too. As a Kid I once dreamt of a story very similar to his, do I get any rights on that? maybe since it was just a dream, I can only get a million or two.

I am in the need of clarification. By definition, The USA is a 'FREE' Country. I would assume that Free would actually mean FREE. as in having the liberty and freedom one deserves. The Statue of Liberty was erected for visitors and immigrants  to admire as their ship sailed through. Welcome to the country of freedom. But is this really so. I personally believe that the USA is the least of the free countries in the world. Big Brother is always watching, full smoking ban. censorship of media and adding insult to injury the Dry Counties. For those of you who do not know what 'DRY COUNTY' is, well.. it is simply a county that prohibits the sale and consumption of alcohol. So really... what is the highly spoken about FREEDOM you get in the states? Please enlighten me

Photo credit: kabir from morguefile.com

What is it with people? why do they have the urge to build a zoo with exotic animals at home? I simply cannot understand the reasoning behind this. There where days when dogs, cats, hamsters and birds fell under the category of Pets. Nowadays that category has been expanded to infinity with snakes, monkeys and tigers walking around in your neighborhood on leash, and their owners proudly stating that "oh, it will not eat you.. i just fed it"

Where is this urge coming from, I will not blame the animal, had it escaped and ate some poor kid in the street. I would put 'down' the owner. And on the other hand, would you think that the 'wild' animal is enjoying it's stay in a household environment? Come on... do not be ridiculous.

Simple... YOU SHOULD NOT IMPORT WILD ANIMALS AND PLANTS OUT OF THEIR NATURAL HABITAT... nature was wise and created a eco circle which is able to balance it self. But out of it's natural environment... well that will not happen and a pet will become a pest and you really do not wish to have a jungle in your neighborhood do you.. Just in case you wish to see how it would feel, then watch the movie "Jumanji"   which was fiction and now is becoming a reality.

THIS IS MY OPINION

Source: www.Onlyinmalta.com

Photo credit: hotblack from morguefile.com

This is a true story written by one of the 'kids' who experienced the hauntings.
To protect the identities of these people, names and locations have been changed. The rest of the story remains unchanged

Time period:

1960s

Reason we moved  to that House:

My dad was given appointment as a high ranking government official and had to relocate to Gozo. Gozo is a tiny island, about 1.35 sq miles. At the time we were there the population was around 28,000 with about one fifth living in the capital city. Gozitans were and still are a very close-knit group of people and in the individual towns and villages everybody knew each other and was related in some way. There was very little crime in Gozo at that time so there wasn’t much going on. He used to say he felt like he was retired especially after his hectic life in his pervious employment.

A teacher asks her class: “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”

The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says: “I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Johnny replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

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Photo credit: clarita from morguefile.com

Comedy is weighed primarily on humor. Its comicality is what makes it distinct from all the other genres. Its focus is on individual stars and usually has a happy ending. It has lighthearted stories and the purpose is just to make the viewers laugh. Comedy is one of the oldest in the industry. It has been evolving since then to cope up with the new trends and not to bore their audience.

Authour: mykidcrafts.com

Play dough is great fun and a project can be adapted to any level of skills. This is what I chose for my son to do as his first complete project.

This is very true, I was there when it happened..

I was waiting at the express checkout (15 items or less) in a prominent supermarket.

In front of me was an old man in his 70s and his young nephew around 7 years old.

The old man removed his items from the trolley and placed them on the conveyor for checkout.

Suddenly a shrill from the cashier yelled "excuse me sir, can you read or are you stupid..this is an express checkout..15 items or less, you clearly have 17 items. please proceed to another checkout"

The old man was shocked and looked at me for approval. I told the cashier that it is ok for me since he only had 2 extra items. but the rude cashier insisted and kept arguing her point.

The old man... cool as a cucumber got 2 items from his shopping, pushed them back slightly and said " I have 15 items which I would be paying for... and my nephew has 2 items which he will be paying for from my money, have you got a problem with that..."

Every one at the counter burst out in laughter...

you can never argue wisdom.

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I had received this by Email some time ago.. I am not sure if it is true, but in any case, worth while reading

On an plane, Peter (a homosexual man) sat down in his seat.

After a few minutes before takeoff, the passenger sitting next to him started huffing and puffing and looked very irritated and uncomfortable.

He called out for the air hostess

"Yes Sir, how may I help you" she asked with a sweet voice

"Mam, I cannot possible sit next to this GAY human rubbish, please, I beg you, move me to another seat"

Needless say that Peter was very much offended, but took it in, closed his eyes and cried silently

the air hostess noticed all of this and said she will see what she can do to accommodate

...a few minutes later she came back and said

"I understand how irritated you must be, sitting next to human rubbish, Therefore I have made arrangements to upgrade you to First Class as compensation for this unacceptable error...." she then continued "Sir would you like me to show you to your new seat.. " and she stretched her hand out to Peter and escorted him to First Class.

By: 24phuket

Nothing bites more than discovering you have the wrong tool for the right job. Not only can it be an incredibly embarrassing situation once discovered. It can also become a potential dangerous situation to extricate yourself from. Of course no one down here at 24Phuket has ever had the displeasure of this misadventure (or is that Mr adventure?). However, we all know a friend of a friend of a friend that this has happened to. Here is a sure fire check list for you to follow to be sure you end up with more chick than ahh man.

Check those hands.

If she has bigger knuckles than you and your mates, might be time to rethink that next last drink.

How about those shoulders? If the chances of her having been on the Thai Olympic swim team are nil then the same brackets of probability apply to she not being a he. Zero.

How about that voice? Ms Marilyn Monroe’s was husky, but horsey is its own description. If she sounds like Macy Gray and she does not smoke, well you know the rest.

Bobbing for apples is a game best saved for Halloween, so if it is not the 31st of Oct and her Adams apple is working overtime it is time to head for those hills. This one is a dead give away! Real women do not have Adams apples; now it is true that one can have it removed, though a tell tale scar will remain.

Then there is always the truth. You could just ask, though this can be even more dangerous than finding out the hard way (pun intended).

Of course, if it is already that time of the night when you discover you got the meat lovers and not the vegetarian, it might just be best to tuck in and tally one up for experience. Trust us, it will make a great story you can tell your mates about a friend of friend of a friend.

About the Author

[2:04:30 PM] Daniel:

24Phuket.com gives you Events, Hotels, Nightlife, Restaurants and Beaches. We are your 247 guide to the island of Phuket.

Are you playing out tonight!

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Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ - Boys will be Girls

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks,

"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says,

"According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says,

"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."

he said with a deep sigh, ...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

I heard this recently, I am not sure if it is true or just made up

So, a man was driving along a road at around 50mph, he noticed a camera in the street and reduced his speed to 40mph which was the speed limit on that road.

As soon as he passed, CLICK... a flash of light an a picture was taken...

puzzeled.. the driver was sure he was driveing below the speed limit so he decided to turn back and dirve once again along that road, this time at 35mph.

CLICK.. another flash of light and another picture...

Being hard headed, the driver decided to give it another shot, reducing his speed once again

...and  CLICK..

the stuborn driver did not give up and drove past the camer a further 3 times always reducing the speed..

CLICK...CLICK...CLICK

he gave up and with a grim went back home..

..... a week later the driver received 6 contravention tickets with photoes of him driving.

The ticket read.

CONTRAVENTION - DRIVING WITHOUT WEARING SEAT BELTS

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F... off", you won't bring it back!!!!!!!

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are
the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a
great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for
cretins!)

Recently, in a large city in Australia , a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

A SENIOR MOMENT - An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her
bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The

Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must
have
elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account
of the
funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit
of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for
only
thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for
the
inconvenience caused to your bank.

In my day to day routine I encounter various things that tick me off, my heart starts pounding, my veins pop out like hose pipes and I suddenly transform into MR HYDE ..

DRIVING..

I hate it when drivers do not stop at STOP signs, can you read.. STOP does not mean accelerate. Your vehicle is equipped with a pedal, this is situated next to the other pedal you all seem to be acquainted with, USE IT.

I hate it when drivers cut traffic queues from the inside, hey! I am stuck in the same traffic, so be patient or get a life

Traffic lights, (even though I hate them and I believe they are called traffic lights because they cause traffic) they exist, so follow them, RED - AMBER – GREEN, how difficult can that be. And please, stop hooting the horn as soon as the lights turn green, I am not blind.

Roundabouts, firstly; a small hump in the middle of the round does not classify as a roundabout, secondly; you will notice that on the road some repressed government employee painted a triangle which is complimented by a further triangle in red situated on a pole before the roundabout. That is not a Christmas decoration, it means GIVE WAY ie, if another vehicle is going round the roundabout than stop your car. And…. GIVE WAY, how difficult can that be.

If you drive a vehicle the size of a whole village, then do not drive on the fast lane, or even worse in the middle of the road, this also apples to 1000 year old drivers, if you are not in a hurry, than take the bus.

Photo credit: penywise from morguefile.com

By: Steve Roberts

We never think that our relationship will experience the tragedy of an affair. No one ever expects it, but it happens to so many nonetheless. Often, both partners want to put the relationship back together again. Here's the blueprint for recovery.

The First Thing To Do Is To Go To A Couple's Therapist.

Yes, I am biased about this since I am a couple's therapist. But I've seen so many people come to me years after an affair and the wounds are still raw. The couple once thought they had put the affair behind them, but they really had not. Either the betrayed partner never really got over it, or the person who had the affair never really let go of the passion, attraction or dreams evoked by the affair.

Funny eCard to send for free.

This is highly recommended website. http:GRUMBLERblog.com

This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

Photo credit: shelleysphotos from morguefile.com

By Laura Moore

Men seem to have to easy for Valentine's Day. They know that candy, flowers and jewelry is a sure fire way to get to a woman's heart. The thing is though, you will probably find yourself stumped and confused as far as what you can do for Valentine's Day for the man in your life. He might not like chocolate and not many men like getting flowers. Since diamond earrings probably are not his thing, you are left wondering just what it is that you can buy him that will get straight to his heart and show him just how much you really care.

Photo credit: penywise from morguefile.com

By D. Halet

Valentine's Day is the time to truly celebrate our deepest love for those special people in our life.

Yeah, we have all heard that Valentine's Day was something made up by greeting card companies to turn a profit and there is no true religious belief behind it, but who cares? It is a holiday, so why not celebrate because love should be celebrated anytime, anyplace. We have this special holiday to do just that, so let's make the most of it.

By Lucy Pegg

Choosing the right movies to watch with the one you love for Valentine's Day can sometimes be a bit of a struggle. What to choose? There are classic titles such as Casablanca, Brief Encounter, or any number of romantic comedies that many people may see as being ideal viewing for Valentine's Day, but these may not be the films are you in your particular partner would go for.

Photo credit: dave from morguefile.com

By: John Abraham

Food poisoning is a general term for health problems arising from eating contaminated food. There are different ways for food getting contaminated and they are by bacteria, viruses, environmental toxins or pesticides etc.. The symptoms like vomiting, diarrhea and nausea are generally attributed to the food poisoning.

The presence of poisonous substances like bacteria, fungus or toxins in the food will result food poisoning symptoms. Now a days food poisoning is very common as our vicinity is fully filled with bacteria. You may have had mild food poisoning - with diarrhea and an upset stomach - but your mom or dad just called it a stomach bug or stomach virus.

Photo credit: EmmiP from morguefile.com

By: Distance Relationships

Long Distance relationships are a true test to a couple\'s commitment and personal limits. LDRs take a great amount of effort to maintain and often people involved in them, realize that they evolve into a state of emotion that they never found themselves in before. When your partner is miles away from you, it is very easy to let things go wrong and lead your long distance romance to an early death. Some people find it difficult to bridge the distance through communication, others become overly obsessed with what their partner is doing when they are not there and as a result they spiral down a road of jealousy and suspicion. They key is balance and following some basic steps to keep your relationship healthy and strong.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE   (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:  What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:  Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:  Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester?